ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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