she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively