Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
