If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
