So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
