I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.