So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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