Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
