I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
