Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
