She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
