just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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