Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
