[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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