just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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