The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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