So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
