There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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