I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
