did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
