I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
