living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
