WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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