i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
