Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
