I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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