First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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