Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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