i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
