I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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