Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
