my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
