you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
