it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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