So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Randomize
