sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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