last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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