When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
