Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
