ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
