Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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