I showed him my bush... on skype.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
