totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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