I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
