drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
