My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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