And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
