i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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