theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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