he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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