o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
