Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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