go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
