DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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