This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
