I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
