my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
