Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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