Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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