i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
