The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
