my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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